didn't see it, didn't happen

All it takes is one trending post to feel seen. We want everything to be about us, we want to be seen, we want to be adored; most of all, we want to be noticed. Society has become a world of self-branding and self-exploitation. If you didn’t post that story about that “cute af” morning coffee date you did with your girlfriends, then how would anyone know you did it? How will anyone know that you're cool, that you do fun things? How will anyone know you deserve to be noticed, that your life is interesting enough for people to watch? Social media has become society’s weapon, placing overbearing pressure on people to follow and perform (whether they realise it or not). If the world hasn’t seen it, it didn’t happen, and that is the domino effect of unhealthy habits. 

Everybody needs to be seen. Everybody needs to be validated. Everybody feels this overwhelming urge to be noticed online. We need to throw every aspect of our lives out into the void of the internet just to feel recognised - to feel real. We find ourselves compelled to share every detail, seeking that dopamine rush from hearts and comments on a screen. Social media hasn’t just changed how we connect; it’s reprogrammed how we value real life. If an event isn’t documented and posted, it almost feels like it never happened at all. Our lives have turned into public performances - curated, polished, filtered. Crafted to attract likes, comments, and various forms of validation. A world where we cherished personal experiences has now become one where we monetize them, not for meaning, but for metrics. Everyone’s captions now echo the phrase, “Pic’s or it didn’t happen” summing up this shift in mindset without us even noticing it. Long before filters and front-facing cameras, people found validation through face-to-face interactions. From the praise of parents and teachers, to the comfort of being seen by your community, belonging was earned through connections. Psychologists call this “external validation”, a need as old as society itself. As Dr. Dave Cornell explains, external validation involves “basing one’s value as a person on the standards of others, such as family and friends, coworkers, and societal norms”. Today, however, societal approval is found on platforms like Instagram that thrive on the artful curation of images to idealize and frequently exaggerate our lives. This distortion of reality has a cost. It fuels anxiety, especially among younger users who spiral when their posts don’t perform well enough. They start to measure their worth in likes, in follows, in fleeting attention. The hunger to be seen, even just a little, becomes a full-time obsession. The result is a culture where we’re always performing, where authenticity takes a back seat to applause. And while the pressure builds, influencers rise from that pressure like perfectly-poised sirens. But who cares about authentic, well-lived experiences when you can have your personal worth measured by online interactions from total strangers. 

Of course if you want to get anywhere in today's digital landscape, a few measly likes won’t cut it. You need to be an influencer - a key player in an economy driven by the relentless pursuit of attention. These aren’t just people; they’re brands. Personal branding has become profit. One post. One sponsorship. One flight to a resort with a ring light and a drone. Since 2010, when Instagram launched, brands have shifted from celebrity endorsements to carefully curated “everyday” users. Now it’s a billion-dollar industry. Most influencers aren’t experts - they’re just good at being looked at. They succeed through the art of captivating their audience. Even social media researcher, Brooke Erin Duffy, explains, “We’ve created a world where being watched is a form of currency”. It’s no longer about what you offer, but how well you can sell the illusion. This dynamic not only encourages shallow interactions but also creates pressure to present a socially accepted version of oneself, which can undermine real relationships and ruin the significance of honest communication. Take influencer trips: brands flying creators to tropical beaches, staging photo ops, crafting faux-candid moments with perfect lighting. These aren’t vacations, they’re advertisements disguised as lifestyle. Unique experiences reduced to content feeder. Everything becomes a performance, even relaxation. And what’s the cost? The more we perform, the less we connect. We become characters in our own lives, rewriting reality just to be relevant. Even our most vulnerable moments, heartbreaks, breakdowns, family dinners, become marketable. But who cares when a sunset photo can get you flown to the Maldives with a $5k gift bag full of designer skincare. 

The urge to overshare, to constantly broadcast, has eroded the walls between personal and public. Our feeds are flooded with morning routines, crying selfies, day in my life vlogs. A 2022 Pew study revealed that over 80% of teens feel pressured to post in a way that pleases others, even if it means pretending. That’s not a connection. That’s marketing. We swap real conversations for curated clips, vulnerability for visibility, honesty for aesthetic. Ironically, in being “more connected than ever”, we’ve never been more alone. To reclaim our relationships, we must learn to protect parts of our lives from the feed. We need to live moments that aren’t meant to be posted. But who cares about that when a single reel might go viral?

In this world obsessed with visibility, we’ve lost something essential: the ability to live for ourselves. We no longer favour moments for what they are, instead we document them for how they’ll appear. What began as a genuine desire for connection became curation. Now we’ve become brands instead of people. We perform, pretend, and package up our lives for approval. Influencers aren’t building relationships; they’re executing marketing strategies. And the rest of us? We’re watching, imitating, and buying into the illusion. Even the most intimate aspects of life have been drawn into this performance. Love is captioned. Grief is uploaded. Laughter is background noise to a Tik Tok. Real life fades, pixel by pixel, fading slowly beneath a glossy surface of digital perfection. And our reward? Applause from strangers and validation from algorithms, or loneliness wrapped in 15 seconds of fame. We traded irreplaceable, real, messy, beautiful, human connection, for fleeting connection. Now we are left scrolling through feeds of each other’s lives, desperately trying to feel something real.

(I don't normally like doing informational opinion pieces but I liked this one) xoxo, ladybug

i'll eat you up my love

You look so delicious, I could just gobble you up. 

Perhaps I am beginning a descent down a rabbit hole. One that may take me a while to get out of, or perhaps I may decided to stay here for a while, it isn't too bad. Recently, I picked up the tv show Hannibal again, I had started it last year in June but exams and school work tore me away from my midnight indulges, the show being one of them. Unfortunately for my restless brain, I decided that it would be a good show to occupy myself with this autumn. I will say, I don't think anything will compare to watching Hannibal for the first time (technically) during autumn. While I'm sure many will have their opinions on the devilish act that occurs within this show, I wanted to share my thoughts on the matter. The matter of cannibalism, that is. 

"A kiss is the beginning of cannibalism" - Georges Bataille

When you kiss someone you love and desire, implying they feel the same way, you are, by then, simply two hungry animals feeding on one another. Granted, this is a more darker approach to human intimacy, but I feel it isn't uncommon as wanting to absorb another human being is the current craze. For example regarding the male leads of romantic books, so I've heard. Many say it is attractive when one kisses another like they want to consume them, to kiss like they have been starved of you.

Cannibalism at it's core means to consume the flesh of ones species. It is often depicted as something savage and animalistic which I don't totally disagree with, however, I do think that it can be something more than just the savage starvation of a crazed animal.  In fact, in religion you consume the divine which is not seen as savage on the surface by the human eye. I am talking about the eating of Christ's body and the drinking of his blood which is practiced in catholic mass. This idea of consuming god, metaphorically of course, is seen as love through the act of eating and drinking. In my mind, I see this as a form of cannibalism, the eating of the divine. 

In more modern day, we tie the act of eating pomegranates to cannibalism. The pomegranate, a fruit with a hard leathery skin that you must rip open to get to the juicy inside that you may eat. It interest me that ripping open the human heart to get to the beating flesh is connected to this humble and simple fruit. Pomegranates, when you peel them open, the juice, the blood, runs down your hands creating a mess that looks like you have killed someone. Perhaps this is why we connect them to the heart because there is death imagery in holding one. It's is holding someones heart in your hands, peeling away their layers to get to their core, their flesh, all the while their blood runs down your arms and stains your hands. There was a sort of test online where you got your lover to open a pomegranate for you, if they did so it meant that they didn't mind the mess because it was for you. Pomegranates were this symbol of undying love and devotion to someone. It is poetic to be so devotional to someone, it is similar to cannibalism. Cannibalism, in a romantic sense, can be seen as the act of being so in love that you give a physical piece of yourself to your other, it is the need to consume another. You must peel open the flesh, strip it, pry it open. It is so carnal, it is a passionate aggressiveness, yet it is still tender, this form of love. 

The act of cannibalism is not inherently viewed as an act of love, because at it's core it is not. In society, I should say in western, it is seen as dehumanising, an act without civility, it is demonic, satanic. If your partner or friend were to tell you that they indulge themselves in eating others you would not think of it as an act of love, rather a horrific evil that has consumed them, they have become something horrible and out of reach from humanity. I, in no way, am defending cannibalism, I am simply fascinated by it use as a metaphor for love and devotion. Nor am I trying to glorify this, even though we as a society have done so already. We do so with vampires and vampirism. 

If I were to tell you I was a vampire would you be more accepting of me than if I were to tell you I was a cannibal?

While vampires do not eat the flesh the certainly drink the blood. However this opinion depends on whether are not you still see them as human, they once were. Regardless, vampirism, the practice of things associated with vampires, is a grey puddle. At least it is for me, in many depictions, vampires are seen as the undead, but with modern day vampires or vampirism they are human. Cannibalism, traditionally, involves the eating of flesh not just the drinking of blood, so many argue that vampirism is on the outside. So there is the question is it cannibalistic or a more erotic sexually consumption act? 

Along the lines of eroticism, I would say the erotic cannibalism is becoming more popular as of late. The desire to be consumed is, with consent of course, been romanticised in everyday love. We see it in phrases, like wanting to crawl into ones skin or biting one another. Much of our figurative sexual acts and language revolve around cannibalism, wanting to taste with your mouth ones body part or particular orifice. There is a sexual and romantic desire to be totally fused with someone that many have, whether or not it is in a cannibalistic nature or not. You embrace them, you accept them, you love them, bones and all. Some may view it as an act of love that is all-consuming. A love that can be beautiful yet horrific, a love that is so inhumanely repulsive yet so very compelling. It is a wordless physical love that is such an intimate action it can't be described easily for the ear. Tell me what could be more intimate than consuming someone so that they will be with you forever? 

xoxo, ladybug

a rich ladies world

"Thank god I'll be gone in 30 years years, I wouldn't be able to survive" 

These were the words of a lady I talked to while at work today. Her words stumped me a bit because while she wasn't going to be alive, I was going to be. I have realised while talking to the older people that live here in this area with me, that many of them are happy that they will be gone soon. At first I wonder why but it then became clear that it was because the world has become very hard to live comfortably in now. They all expressed about how expensive things have become, how they are glad they bought their houses "back then when it was cheaper", how gas is now your whole pay check, and groceries cost and arm and a leg. These people were all smiling and happy thinking about the fact that they won't have to live in this expensive world much longer, but I, unlike them, will be. I couldn't sympathise at all with these people because I was going to have to continue on in a world far to expensive to live in comfortably. 

While it is not inherently their fault, my generation weren't the ones who helped make the world like this, no it was the older generations. I don't want to blame but it's very hard to not feel annoyance when they, back then, bought a lavish house for the same price as a one room apartment  in the present day. If the world keeps going the way it's going, which is up in terms of expenses, I won't be able to afford a place of my own unless I'm living with 7 other people. Now that may be exaggerating it a bit, but it's not terribly far off. If you aren't born into a wealthy family, are some sort of influencer or pop star, you can easily afford things in this life. It's not taught in schools how difficult it is to go out into the world, so when we do get thrust out it's a shocking hit in the face. 

The fact that my pay check is completely used up by gas and groceries is depressing to me. I've always wanted to have a fun life in my 20s but I'm already struggling at 19, no doubt I also will be next year. I got brutally hit the other day when I went out to a Sushi Bar and was punched by the prices on the menu. How do people even go out to eat anymore when anything is over $20, ok maybe not that pricey but it's not cheap, that's for sure. Food is incredibly expensive now, and I'm not just talking about eating out, the groceries are insane as well. A lot of the things you get from big mainstream stores are not only pricey but also not good for you. They are found with pesticides, parasites, and e coli, all of which aren't good for you. To generally avoid these you need to shop at organic stores which cost even more and after all that you still need to be wary and washing your fruits and vegetables. I find this insane, how will the people that can't afford the higher organic prices stay safe, it's just horrible. 

Yet, the older generation have already lived their lives, they aren't the ones heading into this world in the future. The younger generation won't be able to survive on these high prices and spoiled goods unless they are rich enough to avoid it. I hope I can find a way to live the way I wish to in this world, I know it will be difficult but I'm willing to make it work. If that means I need to become a rich woman, so be it. 

xoxo, ladybug

this is my alter ego

So a little over a month ago I decided to lean into the demon draped in silk that sits on my shoulder. 

Sometimes it slips onto here, but normally I try not to let it since I created this blog to be more of a safe space for the girls and the gay, guys you are also welcome, to relax into the worries and thoughts of a girl trying to make her way through life. Now I will admit that I have been very select with what I share on here, this is a space where I share my more mature side of myself, so to speak. However, every girl has another side to her somewhere, I guess you could call it an alter ego. 

I will say that I love this blog, it's my baby, it's my little ball of sunshine. But, every now and then a girl needs to let loose and complain in a not so lady-like fashion about her life or how terrible the world is. This was not the space I wanted to do it on, and therefore I created Alter Ego. A space apart from the more romanticised version of my life where I could let the uglier part shine and complain about the struggles of adulthood. That being said, if you are under 18, I would prefer that you refrain from jumping over to Alter Ego since I have no filters on there. Everything is very open and I do talk about more mature subjects that I'm either facing or that are going on in my life. However, I'm not your parents so if you don't mind or care, go nuts, just be mindful. 

Please keep in mind, that when a girl, or anyone for that matter, shows you her other sides she is being more open, which is what I am doing with all of you. A Ladies Weekly Chronicles will continue to be a space where I share the comings and goings of adulthood, but it will simply just be for ears of all ages. While my other blog will include the more unsanctioned daily struggles and opinions I have. This has reached so many people and I'm more than grateful for those of you that enjoy what I write and share your thoughts with me, I hope you continue to do so in light of some, not new, but now announced, information. Love you all!

xoxo, ladybug

because why would a man be there

 

Life is so much better when I'm not chasing after a boy. 

Let me rephrase, now that I have started living for myself and not holding myself down due to someone else's opinions I have felt a lot more free. Of course I want to be clear, I mean no harm to the ladies whom have a partner, as long as they are making you glow and feel like you are a living queen. Having romance in my life doesn't have to come from a significant other it can come from the thing I do, create, and experience. I feel comfortable in my own day to day doing work, making meals, and doing little side quests. 

Having a romantic relationship in my life isn't something that I'm striving for everyday, I would much rather put that time and effort in to achieving my goals and building the life I want to live with or without a partner. If I only focused on a romantic relationship then I wouldn't be where I am today. Again, I'm saying you shouldn't date, I'm saying you shouldn't let dating hold you back from what you want to achieve in life. The right person will be willing to stick with you through anything and will want to see/help you go far. 

Right now I am comfortable in romanticising the little moments of my life and dreaming about what is next in store for me. For now, I'm staying in a committed relationship with myself.

xoxo, ladybug

she's struck out

 

Sometimes it sucks to be on your own. 

I've been staying at my aunts place for a month now and she is rarely ever home, this is due to the fact that she some how has three. Sometimes I forget just how rich she is and it can be very overwhelming, don't get me wrong I am incredibly grateful she is letting me stay with her but wow she is in a hugely different tax bracket than me. Anyways thats besides the point that I am talking about. What i've been having some trouble with is learning to be ok with being alone 80% of the time. I did spend time alone when I was in high school but this is different. In high school I was seeing my friends every day, sometimes whether I liked it or not, but at least I saw them. Going home to be alone was nice because I got to have that moment to just myself before my parents got home, although, I have a good relationship with them so if I wanted to be left alone they would comply. However now it's an incredibly different feeling, being alone. It's constant. 

Quite frankly I used to be really excited about living alone in a new place away from home, but now I have realised that if I do that I need to have friends around me and near me. Sure I can text them but it doesn't fulfil me as much as being with them in person does. My friends are what help make me whole as a person, some of them are my rocks in life and help me through the more rocky terrain of this crazy road called life. Without them it would be hard, I don't think I would be able to go through the day if I didn't have my friends to turn to, to miss as dearly as I do. 

This is not to say I'm not an independent person because I am. My days currently consist of taking care of myself and the space I live in as if it were my own and I indeed was one my own and moved out. However, being independent and being alone are two very different things, if not in your mind it is in mine. I can be independent and still rely on my friends for certain things, I can still look too them for comfort. Being alone means having no one to turn to for help or love, it's wanting to tell someone about how work is tiring right now but turning only to find a blank screen staring back at you. I can be independent but I can't be alone, and right now I'm starting to drift into that feeling ever so slightly. Perhaps it's the stress of what's going on in my life currently with work and figuring out where my future is going to go, I know it's a big question. 

Perhaps I'm just getting homesick and missing my blood and found family. I guess this is a little on the sad side for a blog that is meant to be about finding my new life in my upcoming 20s but oh well. Sometimes a girl gets sad and thats just life right? 

xoxo, ladybug

thrifting is my joy in life

 

I can't shop at normal stores now and it's a big problem.

For context, a two minute, no one minute walk away from my work is a consignment store which if you don't know is sort of like a thrift store except the store sells the good on behalf of the original owners, splitting the sale price with them. Now this does mean that the goods aren't relatively cheap nor highly expensive, but they aren't mainstream which is what I prefer. I honestly think that consignment stores should be a more popular thing and I did consider opening one myself for a while but I would have a cafe shop attached to it because who doesn't love to thrift with a fresh coffee in hand. Do think it would be successful, maybe I'll keep it in my back pocket for now. 

Back to the fact that this store near my work is draining my paycheck the second it comes in. Yes, I am now guilty for the fact that this store is now 70% of my wardrobe. I went in once and just couldn't stop, some people are addicted to drugs, I'm addicting to finding new pieces at this store. I do wonder why I love thrifting/consignment shopping WAY more than just regular shopping. Perhaps it's that rush of excitement I get when I find a "hidden gem" among the lengthly racks of clothing. I guess that just keeps me coming back for more because I want to feel the happiness of finding a new item that fits perfectly. When you walk into a general store like, what's an American store here, Old Navy for example, everything I find in there all has the same style. Nothing really jumps out at me when I'm in those stores, not like when searching through a large rack and seeing something different every second.  

What I would really love is to work at one of these stores, specifically the consignment store I always go to. Spending the day surrounded by cool clothes and accessories would be a dream, plus I would hopefully, probably, get a discount on the things I buy from the store. I also started a friendship with the ladies that run the store I basically live at which I am so grateful for because they are the sweetest people and are very helpful in helping me figure out whether something looks good on me or not. On several occasions other customers have also joined in and asked me for fashion advice, which massively fed me ego, but it made me feel so at home. Perhaps I should ask if they need any help and are looking to hire someone because I would love to work there and with them. 

If anyone works at a thrift store, bring me there because I would love to experience it. I just love cool funky fashion and being in the thrift shop allows me to have fun. Someone go thrifting with me right now, I need a partner in crime, but also please have a different style to me otherwise I will get too jealous when you find something I like. 

xoxo, ladybug

hmm~

 Oh to be disgustingly well traveled
and educated

xoxo, ladybug

autumn means layering, coffee, and a good book

Since we are coming into the season of change, warm drinks, and pumpkin spice, I thought I would share what I have been loving recently this month.

In terms of artsy fartsy stuff, I have finally decided that this is the year that I get a tattoo. Particularly one that I have been wanting for a while but I was putting it off because it wasn't the right time. However now is the moment, I've decided that when I go back home for Christmas I'm going to get a dragonfly tattoo. For many like myself, the dragonfly symbolises transformation and change since they go from nymphs in the water to spreading their wings and taking flight. This is how I currently feel the direction in which my life is going. I'm growing into this new chapter and adapting to the life awaiting for me so that I can surpass any challenges thrown at me. 

It has come to my attention that if I had the closet I wanted, I would be posting daily outfit checks. So since layering is my favourite thing to do with my outfits, and we are entering into autumn, here are some outfits and pieces that I would love to wear and/or find in the goodwill: 

I love everything about this outfit, personally. But in particular the top is something that I absolutely NEED in my closet. This is the perfect outfit for the fall season in my opinion. I love a good long-sleeve button up top. The pale beige with the white and the cut on the top half, I don't really know why but it just works so well. Along with the classic brown belt, and it's thick too so you know it's going to hold up your extra baggy pants. Can you tell I want this whole outfit... 

Everybody knows I love a flowy top, they are just cute pretty and I feel gorgeous in them. I really want a basic white top like this one, mainly because I love the detailing and the fit of the bust. A good white top  can go with anything and I think that this is one of those tops because it can be super cute on it's own and it can be used in layering.

Now onto the topic of what I consume on the daily... which is a lot.

Three words for you, Apple Cinnamon Scones. They are my heaven on earth and I have been sent there every morning by my favourite coffee shop near work. I already eat an ungodly amount of dehydrated apple slice crisps on the daily so having that paired with cinnamon in a scone form is my idea of a perfect morning treat. So perfect that I am currently eating one as I type this during my work lunch break. I don't know what it is about the cinnamon flavour that I love so much but it really draws me in every morning, I highly recommend seeking out a cafe or bakery that sells them or find a recipe online and whip it up yourself. I am definitely going to try to make my own version of them.

Per my last post I mentioned the Cafe Arancia drink that I get at my local coffee shop. I don't get it every morning when I go into work, but just about, at least until I figure out how to make it myself at home. Now I have always loved the combination of chocolate and orange but coffee and orange is a new level. In my brain I almost feel that they shouldn't work this well together since one is dark and bitter while the other is bright and acidic. The rich bitterness flavour of the espresso is balanced out by the natural sweet tanginess of the orange peel. I hope you all can try this, ask your local cafe to see if they can make it, you won't regret it.

Now this is still something I consume but it's also a small art I have started doing in the morning, andddd you guessed it, it's yogurt bowls!!

Now this here isn't one of mine because I'm to hungry in the morning to take a photo before I dig in but, nevertheless, this is what I have been making most mornings at home before heading off to work. I love using chia seeds with greek yogurt and a little bit of honey for that sweet kick before letting it sit overnight to get a pudding texture. I personally love to pair my yogurt with tones of fruit, specifically blueberries, and pumpkin flax seed granola. However, I'm looking into making my own granola so it has less refined sugar in it. But for now my pumpkin flax seed does the trick just perfectly. 

Ok that's enough about food, let talk about how I absolutely NEED to find myself a new autumn book to read. I'm currently reading Pachinko which is about a poor Korean family that moved to Japan. It's currently in it's stage setting part where I'm learning the backstory for the main characters so I know it will ramp up soon but knowing me, I need another new book to add to the pile. I would like to find something that touches on feminism since I recently read the book Butter and I adored it. I loved the themes that it talked about and the way the characters were so full of life and faults. If anyone has some book recs, send them my way!!

xoxo, ldaybug

art is messy, but so is life

 

If you know me personally, then you know that I was brought up to be very organised and one of my favourite things to do is make lists, which, I know, sounds weird. I promise I'm normal, I just like most things to be clean, organised, and to have a schedule if needed. 

Now, my new job is anything but that. Which, I am learning to handle. Kind of.

I didn't realise how social I am as a person until this year when I let go of the fear I had in high school. Granted, moving half way across the world to where I know literally no one helped in being more confident since I didn't care about how people viewed me over here. However, moving here and starting in an office job helped me to understand that I need to be in an environment where I am talking and interacting with people throughout the day. I love chatting with customers and establishing new bonds with regulars and the artists that come through. 

The shop itself is both a general fun gifts shop on one side and an art gallery on the other side. If your on the outside looking in it won't look big at all, in fact it will look quite small, but once you step inside the shops has to halves and stretches back father than you initially thought. It has everything from clothing to soaps and hot sauce which I love because every customer brings up something I haven't seen yet in the store. Everything is mostly from local artists and creators. My current favourite item in the store are the handmade soaps by a mother-daughter duo on an island near here.

Standing for six hours however is not something that I am particularly fond of at this new job though. It can be rough on the fourth hour in, the balls of my feet start hurting and my heels have already been sore for the last hour. Going from sitting at a desk all day to standing all day was a rough 180. But I'm slowly getting back into it and the running around re-stocking items and yapping with people keeps me distracted and moving. 

I get a 40% employee discount which is very dangerous considering I want to buy half the freaking store, but I'm restraining myself not to empty my pay check right back into where I work. Nevertheless, I have started buying every single cute sticker that I find throughout the store which I then go home and cover my laptop in. So much for saving money...

I'm trying guys, I promise.

Of course I'm not succeeding since I now work down the road from my favourite coffee shop/cafe right now which means getting a coffee every morning that I am going into work since I have to pass by so might as well go in right, right. Currently my morning drink is a caffe arancia which is espresso, orange peel, vanilla, and at my request 2% milk. Now at first I thought that orange peel and espresso weren't going to mix as well as I was told but surprisingly it tasted like heaven so now, hot or iced it is my new go to in the morning before the long work day. 

I've started to build a new daily routine along with getting into a new groove of how to go about life. I know it will take a few more days of work to get fully adjusted to the new job and the little challenges that come along with it but so far I'm loving it. I mean, art and coffee, what could be a better combination!

xoxo, ladybug

so I moved, again

 I moved house, again, for the second time, in three months. 

To recap, in the last, almost four months, I have moved half way across the world, got a new job working in an office, moved in temporarily with my grandmother, realised office work wasn't for me, got a new job at an art shop, and moved house yet again. 
So yeah, it's been a lot.

Let me tell you, packing up my life the first time to move across the freaking seven seas was a lot to process, but doing it a second time, even if it's only moving house, was still a little hard. I liked living with my grandmother, but I knew I couldn't stay there forever. Now, I am very graciously occupying one of the spare bedrooms in my aunts house since she said she would rather have me stay with her than on the streets. My aunt is leaving to go on a few trips for a while and when I say a while I mean the whole month basically, so I technically have a great big house to myself for September. 

Now, moving isn't to scary for me, but it's still a significant enough change that it difficult for the first few days. I know that I will get used to my new home but for now I'm finding comfort in the fact that this move will bring new opportunities for me and new places to explore. Hopefully I find some fun places to frequent around here, specifically a new coffee shop that I can adopt into my daily life. My next update will be on how I'm finding my new job at the art store!

xoxo, ladybug

manifest, but also do the f*cking work

 

"You'll just get it anyways"

I heard a lot of that in high school. Maybe it's because I could coast through an assignment with little to no effort and still get a good grade, not a perfect one, but not bad either. However, the fact that I could do this meant when I tried and put my effort into something it was almost always downplayed. When I lost at something people would instantly have opinions and let me aware of their expectations they had on me. It felt suffocating to say the least, but I got through it. 

Today I see a lot online about "manifesting". Wether your conjuring up your dream life, the type of romance you want, or your new big girl job, people were now joining in on the new trend of manifesting what you want. I liked the idea, writing in my journal what I wanted my life to like in this many years and the type of goals I wanted to achieve by a certain age, however it seemed to me that when I told people that I had achieved what I had so called "manifested" they were a little taken back when I told I worked to make it happen. 

Everything that I had wanted to do in life didn't just pop out of thin air because I had wished upon a star, no, it was because I had put in the work. Sure some of that work came from the help of others but I didn't just sit around waiting for my dreams to happen. Suddenly I felt the exact same way I had felt in school, as if my hard work to get what I wanted was being downplayed, only this time it was to it being manifested instead of be expected. 

In all seriousness, I think people need to realise that the things they see about getting your dream life don't just come from a few casually toss expectations and little work, you need to put in the effort to get what you want. Unless of course your some rich 1% person but that's not me along with the rest of the world. I believe that you can, truely, get the life that you want, but it won't be by just manifesting it. You will need to plan, and you will need to set goals for yourself to achieve in small portions so that eventually you can get to where you want to be. Now how fast you get to where you want to be depends on your determination. 

I know it's not terribly romantic to work but if it means that you can get the life you want then you will have to buckle down and do it. To be honest, this was more of an annoyed rant more than anything but I think it's an important wake up call to some, you can't just sit and expect your life to change, you need to do something. Nothing changes if nothing changes. 

xoxo, ladybug

what i woke up saying

Stay swag.

Stay sexy.

Stay annoying.

Stay intellectual.

Stay unbothered.

Stay mysterious. 

Stay you.

Period.

xoxo, ladybug

touching grass (literally)

 

So I went on a hike recently and it was the best thing I've done in a long time.

I went for 3 days and 2 nights since I couldn't take too long off work but it was the perfect amount of time. It is trips like these that I take that remind me of my long distant yearning for exploring nature. I'm reminded everyday of how beautiful the world we live in really is and it makes me sad that we spend so much of our time struggling to survive in it. Instead we could be wandering through the fields that stretch across the farmlands or hiking up the mountains protecting the towns bellow. Unfortunately, we are condemned to a life of work, those without wealthy backgrounds, and we are shackled down by the chains of "human life" that our society has created for us. 

Luckily, every so often I'm able to unlock those chains and head off on my own to explore a little more of the world I live in. 

On the first day of my hike I woke up early to shove in the last few things into the corner of my already bursting pack (I'm aware I'm an over packer) before re checking that I had everything I needed for the 28th time, as one can never be too sure. Had a disgusting healthy breakfast of greek yogurt, chia seeds, oats, and blueberries. I'm kidding, it was tolerable. My drive was 3 hours long and for most of my time I cruised while listening to music. Now every true music listener has that one song they find once a month and replay it 24/7 until they get so sick of it that they physically recoil when they hear it afterwards. Well that is yours truely with Arianna's "The Way", it has been taking everything else in my brain and chucking it out to fill up as much room in my head as possible. 

Starting the hike in the middle of the day at peak heat was probably an incredibly stupid idea on my part but that's the price to pay for belting songs while showering after breakfast this morning. Nevertheless, I strapped my pack on, only after double checking I had everything again of course, and sent my last text to my family before disappearing into the trees. Surprisingly the walk up wasn't difficult at all, granted I had chosen the easiest hike that one could probably complete in a day if they wanted to but I was rusty so I took 3 days instead. The tall tree provided a nice shelter from the hot sun as I skipped along the boardwalk that covered most of the path on the way. I stopped every now and then for a water break but for the most part it was a nice smooth walk up to the campsite accompanied by the various bugs that seemed to be aiming directly for my ears as I walked. Now first things first when arriving at camp was finding a good, covered, spot to hunker down for the night which wasn't too difficult since this trail had cut out places for you. For the first time in a long long while, I felt very at peace sitting with my chicken soup in hand, on a log, facing the cool ocean breeze with the distant gossip of seals interrupting every few minutes. 

Throughout the small struggles I had on this trip, I felt oddly relaxed being alone in nature, maybe it was because I was finally going to bed at a reasonable time instead of at the crack of dawn. Despite that, my life seemed to move a lot slower out there, I could move and breathe at a difference pace and find a rhythm I hadn't felt before. I felt almost too calm out there considering I had been warned about bears frequenting the area. However, I was away from the deafening noise of the world, society, social media, everything. All I had to do was exist on my log and walk to my next camp while enjoying the new worlds I was walking through. I focused more on my thoughts and what was right in front of me. How the sun sparkled on the water when I tore it's way through the heavy fog in the morning, or how the trail twisted around the huge trees that had demand to stay untouched. I had no real schedule to chase for the first time in my life and it was like I had a little bit of my own freedom back from my overthinking mind. 

My solitude removed any pressure that I was placing on myself, even if it was just for a moment, my nervousness about what was to come melted away along with my worrying expectations of how I needed to be. Unfortunately all that fear came right back when I spotted a HUGE black bear on the morning of my last day. Yeah, pretty sure I shat myself a little bit, but it fuelled my quick race back to the car.

So if you haven't yet, go touch some grass for a few days, I think it helps.
PS: Don't befriend a chipmunk, they will steal your breakfast

xoxo, ladybug

i went hiking!

 Dear ladybugs,

I'm back!!

I went on a small backpacking trip & I can't wait to tell you guys all about it after work! Stay tuned, I'll write up on my newest adventure soon enough.

xoxo, ladybug

my absence of girlhood

 

My ladies aren't here to complete me. 

It's been 3 months since I have been with my girls, it's safe to say that I'm having withdrawals. For some people, their friendships are easily replaceable, I am not one of those people. Yes, I am perfectly fine on my own but I need my girls, they are a part of me and have always been there for me. Unlucky for me, they are all on an 18 hour plane flight away in a totally different country. Which isn't terribly ideal when it's 2am and your missing them. I especially miss the comfort I felt in knowing they were near and I could whisk out my phone no matter the hour and flick them a quick text. 

ladybug: "hey love, let's meet up for dinner sometime soon, when works for you?"

rice cake: "how abt next week Wednesday 7pm down by the waterfront?"

ladybug: "perfect, i'll put it in my calendar"

rice cake: "where shall we go?"

You get the idea, I can't do this anymore unless I swim across the seven seas to meet them. They are my everything and they complete me. Also the three hour gossip sessions we have over drinks and good food are consistently in the back of my mind, it's making me insane. 

I think girlhood is kind of romantic in a way, you just know that your female friendships are special because of the way they make you feel. You don't need to say it either, you can just live with knowing that the  girl/girls next to you are with you. I could turn to my best friend and breakdown but yet she will be able to untangle my strings and make sense of the messiness that is clouding me that day. You don't find that in just anyone. To me this is absolutely beautiful, the way we support each other and life one another up is what makes girlhood, girlhood. 

Unfortunately, life isn't the sunshine and rainbows we were promised by our princess films as little girls, but we do have our ladies with us. I miss my ladies terribly and I hope to see them when I return home this year for Christmas. I hope every girl out there has her other part/parts to giggle and gossip with, I for one can't wait to get back home to mine.

xoxo, ladybug

the weight of dreams

So it happened, I moved across countries.

To be honest I had always had this dream that when I was older, in my 20s, I would be living on my own in some cool popular city like every romcom girl I had ever watched on film. Of course, as I got older I realised that doing such a thing was going to be very difficult considering I would need to have a lot of one thing. 

Money. 

It's the one thing you always need and can never seem to have enough of in this world. Fortunately for me I was able to secure a job in high school but not until the last year and a half. This was mainly due to the fact that wherever I applied I need 3+ years of experience for the most mundane job that I could learn in 20 minutes flat, but it is what it is. However once I got my job I did what any smart girl does, spends her whole entire first pay check on shopping of course! Kidding, but not really, I do regret that. Luckily the lack of money I had afterwards made me realise that if I wanted to get anywhere I was going to need to save my money for the future. And so I did. 

Less than a year later I had slaved and safed my life away. 

However I didn't have enough money to move to the life of my dreams and I didn't particularly want to start university straight out of school, so the only logical answer was to travel. I booked myself a month trip to Italy to escape away from my feelings of not going anywhere with my life. I'll admit sipping on limoncello and aperol spritz's did help distract me from my impending life choices but like all good trips it had to come to an end. During the last few days of my trip I went to visit my grandmother in Seattle, it was there that I got presented with a job opportunity to work as an assistant. 

This was very sudden for me.

All in the span of 3 days I was being asked to stay back in Seattle instead of going home. I needed to recap my thoughts so I said "what if I went home for a few weeks, gathered my things and came back?", the next day I was on a plane home with my mind racing about what had just been handed to me. Once I arrived back home I told my parents the plan and from then I had 3 weeks to pack up my whole life, say goodbye to friends, and mourn the fact I would be leaving my dog. { I actually miss my baby so much }

There were tones of tears, I'm a sensitive lady.

I think I cried for 15 minutes while holding my mother, she is my best friend and it was very hard to let her go. We both knew that this would be an amazing opportunity for me but we were very close and it was going to hurt being apart for a long time. In the end I powered through and now here I am, sitting in my office writing this on my lunch break. 

I have no idea where this new chapter of my life will take me but I'm very excited to share it with everyone!

xoxo, ladybug

class icebreaker

 

well hi there everyone!

i have decided to start a little blog because i've been wanting to romanticies my life over in seattle, washington. i realised that i really need to stop caring about what other people think about me, and that means i'm going to start my own little blog. 

i hope you all enjoy my random thoughts!

xoxo, ladybug